Long Post Alert!!!!!
5 Tips We Learned The Second Time Around For A Stronger Marriage…
Hey friends… This is a very tough topic in some sorts for me to write, but maybe needed to be a blessing to someone else. Jerral and I met in our teaching career as first being partner teachers, and friends. Honestly, I didn’t really see myself with him but knew he was an amazing guy, friend, and partner teacher. I remember I had him babysit my boys to see if they would take to him first, and how it made me feel having him around. I had been a single mom for some time, maybe year 4 at that time.
Guarded Heart, and Insecurities….
I had been through a divorce, and I knew that my heart was guarded BIG TIME!! Jerral had been through one as well. Divorces are like death because in the process something dies away. There just wasn’t going to be any room for more pain, hurt, and disappointment in our lives. We had already been through enough, especially with my Cole’s background story read it HERE.
5 Tips We Learned The Second Time Around For A Stronger Marriage…
I want to make sure that I list these tips with very valid, solid, traditional reasons. In hopes that going at this the second time around made Jerral, and I realize what we needed from each other. Don’t we always enter something with some type of standard, or expectation in mind for ourselves, and a future relationship? It was difficult to choose this post to write, but I had to be transparent for all my readers. This marriage is real, and the kids that came with us into this union are real as well.
Building Stronger Marriages With These 5 Tips
God Is At The Center of Our Marriage-He is our foundation. He is the third strand in our marriage. What he binds together let no man tear apart. We both understand our marriage is not only about having fun with each other but more about glorifying God so that others will want to see an example of a strong marriage. Jerral and I went to marriage counseling before we married, and it was more eye opening the second time around. There were so many more questions we had about serving God in our union, and making sure that we didn’t lose sight of him through the daily struggles of life, parenting, and being a working couple. We questioned how could we be a better wife, husband, and pillar for each other the “second time” around?
Being A Blended Family, and Accepting What We Bring To The Table As One- Once we knew and understood what we needed for our “STRUCTURE” to stand solid we had a good plan, for our families to blend together. Don’t get me wrong we were so nervous, especially bringing 4 boys together to be brothers. Jerral was bringing 2, and so was I. Being a single mom made me super protective, especially if you got to read Cole’s birth story. My boys and I had been alone with each other for at least 4 years. We had a lot of time to bond, and grow together. Also, during that time I buried my mom, which was EXTREMELY HARD!!
Blending our family has probably been the hardest part about this process, but it has taught us so much more about each other, and parenting each other’s children. We had to allow the other person to step in, and lead when they needed to be lead. Both of us had to pray more, constantly, and we also had to communicate our feelings more often. We learned NOT to be coke bottles, and be so shaken that we explode. Remember Rome wasn’t built over night. This book was very helpful in the process.
Date Nights Are Essential……
These were clear from the jump, and how much time we needed to invest in “US” in order to be great parents to these 4 boys above. When we are parenting we make sure that we give them 100% of us as their parents. They deserve to see a wholesome household, loving parents, and a unified front. We make sure to let them know that we need date nights to stay close, stay connected, and communicate with out being interrupted every 4-5 minutes. Jerral makes sure that the boys see a gentlemen opening my car door, pushing in chairs, kissing his wife often, and making sure they see him holding my hand. He feels that these are traits that men need to have with their wives, and to be compassionate towards their daily needs. Remember to take time to invest in your marriage, nurture it, talk through everything, and make sure there aren’t any secrets.
I will be honest these were the things that I had prayed for into a second marriage, and I didn’t want anything less. I felt as a woman I deserved better, and I needed to be held, hugged, and kissed. Jerral came with that and more. We had a better understanding of what we needed from each other. Ladies don’t get it twisted, he had things he needed too!!
Communication Is Everything………..
Ok, I can’t say more about this piece friends! This took a lot of work, but it can work. Jerral and I had to find an art to communicating to each other. He told me time and time again that, “Men aren’t super emotional creatures”. After a while I got that, and understood that it took time for him to process his emotions, and translate them over to me. There were things that we had to learn about each other, and be patient with. We both have learned that him and I both had to carve our “NICHE” out in the world somewhere. Both of us held onto a lot of old hurt, pain, and memories that didn’t serve us any good!!! We talked through those things, and gave them to God, and allowed him to steer us where we needed to be. When I said that there was 3 strands, there are 3. Jerral and I both know that he is guiding us through being a blended family.
Blending our boys, and having ex-spouses was “NO” easy task!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We have had to learn so much, and only allow so much into our home. There are things that we had to know, and understand when taking on the job of children that aren’t biologically yours. We jumped through hoops, hurdles, tasks, we had tears, we got angry, but we really learned. You know what else we learned… We stop giving our ex-spouses any power over us, or into our home. The children are an extension of them, but not what we were trying to build together. Remember we were trying to carve a niche out into the world.
We Do Have Roles In This Marriage……
Let me begin by saying that my husband does not rule over me, and I do not over him. God rules over both of us, we are equal, but I do submit to Jerral and allow him to lead our home. I do this because Jerral submits to God. In 1 Peter 3:1-2 Peter said, “Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives.”Colossians 3:18-19 it says, “Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.” But husbands are also told to “… love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.” Jerral is held responsible for our house.. “For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church”-Ephesians 5:23. But in that role, he knows how to lead our family to Christ, he also watches out for us and takes cares of us.In which he speaks of this so often in our home. He wants to know that we are taken care of fully. He also knows that if he doesn’t his prayers won’t be answered. “… since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.
I am not a marriage counselor, just a person who had a tough time, and can shed some light on what I feel has been a better journey this time around. If I had to say what we have definitely felt like the biggest difference in this marriage is COMMUNICATION. There is no way that we could even possibly understand each other if we didn’t talk to each other.
If you have any questions for me, or need a personal question answered email-me, or leave me a comment. I am happy to answer any……
Stay POSITIVE it’s a journey!!!!